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Jealousy:  At the beginning of a relationship, an abuser will almost always say that his jealousy is a sign of love, but jealousy has nothing to do with love.  It is a sign of insecurity and possessiveness.  He will question the woman about whom she talks to, accuse her of flirting, or be jealous of the time she spends with family, friends and children.

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Controlling Behavior:  At first, the batterer may say that his behavior is because he’s concerned for the woman’s safety, her need to use her time well, or her need to make good decisions.  He may be angry if she is “late” coming home and question her closely about where she went, and whom she saw.  As this behavior gets worse, he may not let the woman make personal decisions about her house, how she dresses, what she eats, etc.  He may manage all the finances and even make her ask permission to leave the house.

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Quick Involvement: Many battered women dated or knew their abuser for less than six months before they were engaged or living together.  He comes on like a whirlwind –“You’re the only person I could ever talk to” “I’ve never felt loved like this by anyone” He needs someone desperately and will pressure the woman to commit to him.

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Unrealistic Expectations: He is very dependent on the woman for all of his needs, to be the perfect wife/girlfriend, mother, lover, and friend.  He may say things like, If you love me, I’m all you need and you’re all I need.  

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Isolation:  He tries to cut the woman off from all resources by accusing her friends and family as threats to their relationship.

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Blames Others for His Problems: Someone is always doing him wrong and is out to get him.  He may make mistakes and then blame the woman for upsetting him and almost anything that goes wrong.

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Blames Other for His Feelings: He may tell the woman, “you make me mad,” “you’re hurting me by not doing what I ask,” “I can’t help being angry.” He really makes the decision about what he thinks and feels but will use his feelings to manipulate the woman.

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Hypersensitivity:  He may be easily insulted.  He claims his feelings are “hurt” when he’s really very mad, or he takes the slightest setbacks as personal attacks.  He will “rant and rave” about the injustice of things that have happened to him—things that are really just a part of living, like being asked to work overtime, getting a traffic ticket, being told that something he does is annoying and being asked to help with chores.

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Cruelty to Animals or Children: Punishing animals brutally or being insensitive to their pain and suffering and punishing or teasing children for not being capable of doing things far beyond their ability (like hitting a 2-year-old for wetting their diaper).  40% of men who beat a woman also abuse the children.

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"Playful" Use of Force during Sex:  He may like to throw the woman down and hold her down during sex, act out fantasies where the woman is helpless, be excited by the idea of “rape” or show little concern about whether the woman wants to have sex and use sulking or anger to manipulate her into compliance.  He may start having sex with the woman while she is sleeping or demand sex when she is ill or tired.

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Verbal Abuse:  In addition to saying things that are meant to be cruel and hurtful, this can include degrading the woman, cursing her, and belittling any of her accomplishments.  He may tell her that she’s stupid and unable to function without him.

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Rigid Sex Roles:  The man expects the woman to serve him, may say that she must stay at home and obey him in all things.  The abuser sees women as inferior to men, more stupid, unable to be a whole person without a relationship.  

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Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde:  Many women are confused by their abuser’s sudden changes in mood, they will describe that one minute he is nice and the next minute he explodes.  Explosiveness and mood swings are typical of men who beat their partners, and these behaviors are related to other characteristics such as hypersensitivity.  Others may see only the positive parts of his personality and thus view him as a really nice guy.

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Past Battering:  The man may say that he has battered in the past, but that they made him do it.  The woman may hear from relatives, ex-spouses, and ex-girlfriends that the man is abusive.  He may also deny the beatings or their severity or seem to not remember.

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Threats of Violence:  This would include any threat of physical force meant to control the woman.  “I’ll slap your mouth off,”  “I’ll kill you,” “I’ll break your neck.”  Most men and women do not threaten their partners, but batterers will try to excuse this behavior by saying “everybody talks like that,” or minimize it by saying that they didn’t really mean it.

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Breaking or Striking Objects:  This behavior is used as a punishment (breaking loved possessions) but is mostly used to terrorize the woman into submission.  The man may beat on tables or walls, throw objects around or near the woman.  Again, this is very remarkable behavior and should not be ignored or minimized.

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Any Force during an Argument:  This may involve holding a woman down, physically restraining her from leaving the room, any pushing, shoving or slapping.  The man may hold the woman against her will and say, “you’re going to listen to me.”

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Fear - The victim fears serious harm or murder if she leaves.  Most victims who are murdered by violent partners are in the process of leaving or have already separated.

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No job skills - The degree to which she is economically dependent will be the final factor in whether or not the victim feels she can exist independently.

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Even if he beats her, she may feel the children still need a father figure, esp. if he does not beat them.  

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She is ashamed to admit to herself and others that her marriage/relationship is a failure.  

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She was battered as a child, or saw her father abuse her mother, and therefore, may have a higher tolerance for an abusive relationship.

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She feels helpless.

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She may suffer from low self-esteem, unaware of her abilities and afraid that she can’t provide for herself and/or her children with satisfactory emotional and financial security.

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She may be afraid of being alone and/or lonely.  Victims are usually quite isolated, having few friends or sources of support.

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She is physically ill, or emotionally and physically exhausted.

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She does not want to be judged or criticized by others – feels religious and family pressures to remain a couple and cultural belief that single women are less desirable citizens.  

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Believes that she is responsible for her behavior and believes she must find a way to change her behavior in order to alter his.  

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He may threaten to fight back legally if she takes any action against him.

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Counselors, social service agencies, her family and community blame her for the abuse and are not supportive of her needs, conveying the attitude “You made your bed, now lie in it.”

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Societal attitudes entertain the idea that battered women are masochistic and enjoy being beaten.  This is seldom the case, and the belief that the woman deserved, enjoyed or needed abuse absolves the abuser and places full responsibility for family violence squarely onto the woman.

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She may feel guilty even though she may not know why.

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Leaving may be against her religion.  Marriage is a lasting bond, “for better or for worse.”

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She may have little or no support from her family.

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She may be pregnant (about 40% of women who are beaten are beaten while pregnant.)

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Her husband/boyfriend promises to change.  The victim often still loves the abuser and wants the relationship to be successful.

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Her husband/boyfriend has told her that if she leaves he will find her and really hurt her, take her children or may threaten to kill her.

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Her husband/boyfriend may threaten to commit suicide if she leaves.