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01: Isn’t domestic violence a private family matter that everyone else should stay out of?
A: Domestic Violence is not just a family problem. It affects the whole community, including children, parents, relatives, and friends. In addition, the Illinois Domestic Violence Act clearly states that domestic violence is a crime! It is a crime with serious repercussions for your friend, her children, and the entire community in that domestic violence is a social issue where everyone needs to work together to stop violence.
02: Is domestic violence more prevalent in lower socioeconomic classes and minority groups?
A: No, there is no evidence to support this statement. Domestic Violence occurs among all ages, cultures, races/ethnicities, classes and religions. It happens to people of all educational and income levels. Statistically, more women are injured in domestic violence than in motor vehicle accidents, muggings and rapes combined.
03: He wouldn’t abuse her without good reason; she must be doing something to provoke his violence.
A: She is the victim of abuse; she is not to blame nor does she ever deserve such treatment. Whatever problems or conflicts exist in any relationship, the use of violence as a control and power to resolve them is never justified or acceptable.
04: If it is so bad, why doesn’t she just leave?
A: In many situations, she does leave! On average, a woman leaves an abusive relationship 7 times before finally making a break from violence. While she may leave the relationship, often victims do not receive adequate support from friends and family, and she has no choice but to return. For most of us, the decision to end a relationship is never easy. A battered woman’s emotional ties to her partner may still be strong, and she might hope to believe his abuser’s promise that he will change. If she has been financially dependant on her partner and leaves with her children, she will likely face severe economic hardships. Religious, cultural or family pressures may make her believe that it’s her duty to keep her marriage together at all costs.
05: Doesn’t she care about what’s happening to her children?
A: The victim is probably doing her best to protect her children from the violence. She may feel that the abuse is only directed at her, and does not yet realize its effects on the children as many people don’t. Perhaps she believes that her children need a father, or lacks the resources to support them on her own. Also, the children may beg her to stay not wanting to leave their home or their friends. She fears that if she will lose custody of her children.
06: How are the effects of witnessing domestic violence different from those of child abuse?
A: “Witnessing” can mean SEEING actual incidents of physical and/or sexual abuse, HEARNING threats of fighting noises, OBSERVING the aftermath of physical abuse such as blood, bruises, tears, torn clothes, or broken glass or having an AWARENESS of tension in the house, such as their mother’s display of fear when she hears the abuser’s car pulling the driveway. Many of the about responses will also be seen in children who are themselves victims of child abuse. In fact, various studies have shown that there is a strong correlation between woman abuse and child abuse, finding an overlap of 50-70% of both issues. One traumatic response that tends to be specific to child witnesses is extreme worry about their mothers and separation knowing that their mothers’ lives and well-being are constantly under threat, rather than a symptom of some “emotional problem.” Abusers typically play into this by putting the mother down in front of her children, telling them that their mother is “crazy” or “stupid” and that they don’t have to listen to her. It’s not surprise that studies have shown an increase of depression and violence in children witness of domestic violence. Boys are at risk of using violence against their partners in teen and adult relationships.
07: How can she still care for someone who abuses her?
A: There are chances that abusers are not always violent. He may actually show remorse for his violence, promising that he will change. Abusive relationship oftentimes involves a cycle of Honeymoon stage, Tension-building stage, and Acute Explosion stage. If this vicious cycle is not broken, the frequency and severity of domestic violence tend to be increased.
08: Is abuse a mental illness?
A: No. Battering is a learned behavior, not a mental illness. The social message, that violence is an effective way to control and power over someone, perpetrates domestic violence across generations. Persons who batter their intimate partners or family members must be accountable for their own actions. Viewing them as “sick” wrongly excuse them from taking responsibility from their own behavior.
09: But, I know him well. He is a nice man and it’s hard to believe what she said that he is violent and hurt anyone.
A: Many abusers are not violent in other relationships. They can be charming and respectful in a social setting, yet display extreme violence in their house. It can relate to the fact that abusers use a tactic of isolating his partner from others or that people’s assumption that a woman did something wrong to that nice guy.
10: Aren’t most domestic violence incidents caused by alcohol or drug abuse?
A: There is no correlation between alcohol/drug problems and domestic violence. In our culture, many social events involve heavy drinking, which can contribute or lead to conflicts, but alcoholism/drug abuse cannot explain or excuse domestic violence. Although alcohol and drug use may intensify an already existing problem, it does not cause battering. One of common characteristics of abusers is to make an excuse for their violence claiming a lost of control due to alcohol, drug use or extreme stress outside. However, domestic violence does not represent a loss of control, but a way of achieving it. Episodes of problem drinking and incidents of domestic violence often occur separately and must to be treated as two distinct issues.
11: Isn't domestic violence often triggered by stress, for example, the loss of a job or some financial difficulties integrating into American society?
A: Daily life is full of frustration associated with money and work, our families and other personal relationships. Everyone experiences stress, and everyone responds to it differently; however resolving conflicts or ventilating stressors through using violence over someone is an unhealthy and unacceptable way. Violence is a specific learned and chosen response to stress. Certainly, high general levels of domestic violence are related to social problems such as unemployment; however, other reactions to such situations are equally possible. Some people take out their frustrations on themselves with drug or alcohol; some take it out on others with verbal or physical abuse. Some work out stress by taking up sports or hobbies, while still others fight back in socially positive ways. Learning to handle stress in constructive ways can be an important step in stopping violent behavior.
12: What type of calls does KAN-WIN receive?
A: Calls range from a need for immediate safety, formulating a safety plan for impending violence, short and long-term counseling, legal information and advocacy on domestic violence, legal information about family and immigration, information about various social programs and more. On a day-to-day basis, the majority of calls are from women who talk about their situation and want to discuss their options.
13: Is domestic violence more prevalent in the Korean American community?
A: No. Domestic violence happens across culture, race/ethnicity, classes, education or income level. However, immigrant victims and survivors of domestic violence and sexual assault including Korean Americans may confront additional barriers to deal with this issue.
14: What barriers do immigrant battered women face?
A: In addition to the obstacles faced by battered women in our society, battered immigrant women in the Korean American community face a number of additional barriers. The majority of KAN-WIN’s clients and their children are recent immigrants and/or undocumented, limited English proficient, economically disadvantaged, and/or unfamiliar or unaware of their legal rights and existing community resources. Recent immigrants who are dependent on their abusers for their resident status face an additional barrier to seeking help due to threats of being deported or losing their legal status.
15: Are services and programs only available in Chicago?
A: No. KAN-WIN’s 24 hour hotline is accessible all across the nation. Since KAN-WIN is the only independent not-for-profit domestic violence agency for Korean Americans in the U.S., KAN-WIN often receives calls from women outside the Chicago area, and outside Illinois. KAN-WIN has a close collaborative working relationship with domestic violence programs across the U.S. for referrals and collaborative case management.
16: How can I help a victim?
A: Victims may not yet feel comfortable confiding in others, feeling that others will not understand her situation. Try talking to her openly about domestic violence in a general way. For example, you might mention a documentary/movie or talk show about domestic violence that you’ve seen. Tell her you’re concerned about women who must endure physical and emotional abuse. Let her know that her and her children’s safety is priority. Let her know that you do not blame battered women for the violence. Let her know that you care and willing to listen. Don’t force the issue, but allow her to confide in you at her own pace and word. Never blame her for what’s happening or underestimate her fear of potential danger. Instead, acknowledge that she is in a very difficult, scary, and confusing situation and try to make her complex feelings validated. Don’t not deny, minimize or excuse the abuse and keep her confidentiality especially when she is concerned about her story becoming gossip among friends or in the community.
Remember that battered women must make her own decisions about her life. Focus on supporting her right to make her own choices. Give her emotional support and help her examine her strengths and skills. Emphasize that she deserves a violence-free life. Also don’t forget to get support for yourself and know your limits because helping someone in an abusive relationship can be overwhelming and frustrating at times. It’s okay to limit your involvement to what feels comfortable for you and to refer her to professional agencies.
* This information here is, in part, abstracted from the National Woman Abuse Prevention Project, Asian Task Force Against Domestic Violence and KAN-WIN’s Training Manuals. Also, although researches have shown that about 95% of domestic violence happens against women by men, please note that victims of domestic violence can be male.